My daddy

A week ago today I was sitting at home planning something I never expected in a million years to plan.... my fathers celebration service. A little over a week ago we were approached with some heavy news of my father having leukemia. When that news hit me my entire heart and world crumbled. The man I call my dad had something spoken over him none of us were expecting. Within days things turned for the worst...and my world continued to stand still and crumble. Countless hours i spent at the hospital praying and hoping for a turn around... for God to just show up in a miraculous way... we just needed a modern day
miracle...

a day passed and Monday i headed to the hospital and got the news no one every wanted to hear...my father was loosing his fight in life and everything was stopping.... I remember in those moments thinking in the back of my mind this can't be ...my daddy can't die ...he can't leave me ..not now... not at this moment in life.
I stayed with him that night closing my eyes for a few mins of rest here and there... going in to get a glimpse of his eyes..and try to hear his voice one last time. but i got nothing until that morning when he screamed stop it to a few nurses because he was in pain and shock.... i was terrified when i saw my dad look at me straight in the eyes with ultimate terror on his face... my daddy the one who i have loved since i placed my eyes on him... he always made everything better from a skinned knee to a broken heart... he always knew what to do he was my daddy.... He was able to come home that day on Tuesday August 28th... he got home incoherent, sleeping on and off... i sat there staring at him trying to remember his smile, his eyes, his voice.... then as i laid on the couch i saw a image of my daddy grabbing Jesus' hand and walking hand in hand with him... with an hour my father breathed his final breath here on earth.... and in that moment if i didn't think my world was still enough... it came to a complete halt.... no sound, no movement nothing phased me because the man i loved, valued, treasured, admired was gone....
it's only been 2 days since i had my fathers celebration service and buried his ashes...and my heart ... it still hurts...

do i have moments where i still think I'm in a dream and someone is going to shake me of it? yes i do every day .... everyday i think my daddy is going to walk through the door give me a giant hug and kiss my forehead.... i long for that moment again ... even at 25 i am still a daddy's girl.... and will always be a daddy's girl. There are so many memories of him i still have and yes those make me smile... but there is a longing in my heart to just see him again... to just sit with him and here him tell 3 hour long stories I've heard 100 times before... to play around sarcastically with him for hours... or to just go on a ride with him in his truck and listen to him singing to his savior. 
There are moments of that fast 5 day process that i can't shake.... i know one day.. i pray one day i will be able to ...but for now they're still there. there are also those moments where i got him to say i love you one last time and in the middle of that he said he was going to be okay and so was i.... the past 25 years were the best with my dad. He was a man of faith fullness, a man of passion, a man who was a true leader that lead with not his words but his actions and his heart... he was a man that loved deep and with out questions.

My father believed in me every day to accomplish whatever my heart desired... he believed i could changed the world whatever missisons trip i went on next.... and the question was never are you going on another missions trip... it was Well sis when are you going next and where to?... He would always say you always have to be different ... you can never be the same or do the same as anyone else..... that was my dad... A man who loved me and i loved him...
i had my last car ride with my daddy as i picked up his urn and his ashes...the entire way home i kept my hand on his box and  told him how much i loved him and how much i missed him.... and in the back of my mind i could hear his voice.. i love you sissy girl.... and i could  see his face and his smile ........

I miss my dad .. and i know this is the beginning of the process but it doesn't make it better... i just miss him