Breath

This blog is meant to be a spot where the revelations that i have experienced in my heart meet paper(well electronic paper).

The past 4 months have been a whirlwind of events, changes, and silent moments. So Many events and moments that happen in a normal persons life in a year happened in a matter of months for me. The first event my father passed away. At age 59 an amazing man of God that served his church. his country, those around him no matter who they were, and His family. A man that taught me truly what love really was and what it meant to be a silent leader. One that followed Jesus and lead others to do the same without any words. He shared the gospel, he shared unconditional love and he shared hope. I had 2 days to say goodbye, 2 days to love him, 2 days to realize my world was about to fall apart, so i thought.

In the moments when i sat in the hospital with my dad staring at him reminding him i loved him my heart was grieved by what in the natural looked like disaster. The last conversation I had with him was 2 days prior to the most devastating news we would have ever received. I went to visit him with a friend by my side as i walked in his room which was full of no hope, no faith...it was the first time i saw my dad at a loss of hope moment.... the day prior he got the word he had leukemia and he was sick, but when i walked in he looked at me with the same glimmer in his eye he has always looked at me with and he gave me the final kiss on my forehead i would get from my dad. We talked about life, school, work, friends, and how i always had to be different never wanting to go with the crowd or wanting anything anyone else wanted. He then made fun of my "Mary Poppins" bag as he often called my purses and smile with glimmer as i told him it was my support human trafficking bag. I stood next to my dad fed him ice cream as it was the only thing he wanted, because i urged him to eat something. We laughed as he wanted every last ounce of it, i kissed him goodbye went back home with my friend...and in that moment i didn't see what was ahead..what the next 3 days held for my Family.

Sunday came and my dad was on high doses ofmedicine not really knowing who i was but has a slight memory of me he began to go down hill... we continued to pray... then Monday came the day my world stood still.... I received the news my father was in the final stages of his life. I walked in and out of his room that day holding his hand, telling him i would be okay and just loving him. Within hours following the news my friends flooded the hospital to just come and sit.. There were many moment of silent, few moments of laughter and moments of tears.I remember sitting up all night with a friend as i walked in and out of his room and sitting with him just weeping...

My father came home the next day, he was home for 3 hours and on the 3rd hour i remember staring at my daddy laying in a bed, with a cup of coffee in my hand and feeling the tangible presence of God, with His arms wrapped around me and such a peace. My father took his last breath, their were tears in the days to follow, devastation and many moments of WHY GOD? But through it all God was faithful.

The first month was the hardest i stepped out of ministry, didn't really want to be around anyone, and could care less about anything. But through the mourning comes a sense of peace and joy and there is always a light in the darkness.

On September 16th , I was sitting at a friend's house watching TV with a few people. A few hours passed an amazing man of God that i have the honor and privilege of calling boyfriend, leaned over the couch we were sitting on and asked me out on our first date. The date was on September 20th and that was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember driving home that night on cloud nine as a man i had been praying for , for 2 years finally asked me to be HIS , i remember laughing because my dad knew that i liked Jamie, he knew that i wanted to date him and i knew that my daddy in the moment was with Jesus and smiling from heaven.

On November 17th , i left the country for a week... a week to allow God to do whatever he wanted through me and in me. A week to be away from the norm and a week to see God impact a country. In that week I saw teens completely changed, teens that back in the states are normally connected at the hip to their phones and their social media completely turned upside down with the love of Christ. For me i had my passions for missions, my passion for ministry, my passion for the calling God has placed on me, came back to life, like God has breathed his amazing life giving breath of them and they all regained the spark that once had.  God took his breath and re breathed life into me that has not been there for awhile due to me killing off my dreams and passions, because I bought into the lie that i was not good enough, not able to accomplish my dreams because i was not the "picture" of what ministry was. God reassured me he is not done with me and he wanted to me to continue the passions he has placed in my life no matter how big or small they are, because He will bring them to reality and use me in ministry. It's the call HE has placed on my life!

Over the last 3 months my life has still had it's ups and downs. Moments when i don't understand why my daddy really left ... why i had to loose him....but through all of this I have learned much! God is faithful no matter what! His faithfulness doesn't ever change and His character is ALWAYS the same. Second thing i have learned is that we are meant to trust God without boundaries, without limits. And our faith is meant to have no boundaries, no pre conceived thoughts but just child like limitless faith.

God is daily breathing life into me and daily sparking my passion....From here the sky is the limit and i am looking forward to what the new year holds and what God is going to do, because trusting him with no boundaries is the best feeling in the world.